Episode 3: Candace Lefke, Embodiment and Healing
In this episode of the Queer Divorce Club podcast, we have the privilege of hearing Candace Lefke's inspiring journey as she recounts her transformative experience of ending her marriage, embarking on a profound healing process, and the remarkable role embodiment played in her recovery.
Candace fearlessly opens up about her break up with her husband, unraveling the complexities and emotions surrounding that pivotal moment in her life. Through vulnerability and resilience, she shares the profound lessons learned and the growth she has experienced since then.
What makes Candace's story truly remarkable is her unwavering commitment to healing and self-discovery. She delves into the transformative power of embodiment—a practice she wholeheartedly embraced to support her journey. Discover how she harnessed this powerful tool to nurture her mind, body, and soul, ultimately paving the way for her profound healing and personal growth.
Join us in this enlightening episode as we dive deep into Candce Lefke's remarkable story of resilience, self-discovery, and the empowering role of embodiment in her healing journey.
Candace Lefke
Candace Lefke is a Michigan native, currently based in West Michigan with her cat Stu and her two giant dogs. She works as a freelancing Makeup Artist and Stylist for events, photography and commercial work. Having a love for teaching as well, she loves to help queer folx master their own makeup and skincare routines so they can express themselves authentically through body art. She has a passion for the healing arts as well and eventually would love to start coaching other queer people in their healing journeys. Outside of work, Candace loves to be out in the woods, camping or at the beach with friends and family. She also loves to try her hand at anything artistic, and has many projects that she may never finish, but enjoys it anyway.
Follow Candace on Instagram @C.Lee.Artistry.
Music in this episode is from Bungalow Heaven. You can find more music from Bungalow Heaven and singer/songwriter Gretchen DeVault at gretchendevault.com.
Show Transcript
00:00:05:14 - 00:00:28:23
Hey, hey, hey. It's a sunshiny day. I gotta get in the sun before it goes away. Welcome to episode three of the Queer Divorce Club podcast. I'm excited to have Candace Lefke on the podcast today. Candace is a Michigan native, currently based in West Michigan with her cast and her two adorable giant dogs. She works as a freelancing makeup artist and stylist for events, photography, and commercial work.
00:00:29:00 - 00:00:50:01
Having a love for teaching as well. She loves to help queer folks master their own makeup and skin care routine so they can express themselves authentically through body art. She has a passion for the healing arts as well, and eventually would love to start coaching other queer people in their healing journeys outside of work. Candace loves to be out in the woods, camping or at the beach with her friends and family.
00:00:50:03 - 00:01:13:19
She also loves to try your hand at anything artistic and has many projects that she may never finished but enjoys it anyway. Welcome to the podcast, Candace. Now I'm so excited to get to talk to you. Candace was one of the first people that I told about the podcast and you had some great ideas for who we should have, who who we should have on the podcast and what we should talk about.
00:01:13:19 - 00:01:37:18
So I'm excited to talk to you today, and I'm excited too. It's going to be great. I know when we first started talking about Queer Divorce Club, it was just a small group of us and it's just kind of bloomed into something really awesome and I'm excited to chat. Yes. And the first episode speaking, we discussed like sitting with another friend and talking about the Queer Divorce Club, and that was, you know, he said, I'm with you.
00:01:37:18 - 00:01:58:08
You're the friend. I was the friend. We were all sitting at the bar having a beer and we're like, We are a queer divorce club. Like we make a group like, This is it. Yeah. And it's been awesome because I think we've all had some really great support for each other going through transitions for sure. Yes, it's been essential to have each other.
00:01:58:08 - 00:02:26:22
That is definite. We couldn't have done it without you there, you know, same thing. So speaking of being part of the Queer Divorce Club, can you tell us a little bit of overview where you are with your relationship or divorce and you know what work you're doing now in the rebuilding process? Yeah. So I feel like my situation is very clear and I am currently actually still married to my ex.
00:02:26:24 - 00:03:08:04
We were married in a romantic relationship, I guess more so for the past six years, and we've been now separated for almost two. We have decided to stay married for financial and other reasons, but we realized very quickly that our communication, the way that we handled conflict was an issue. And we definitely had developed some patterns of being together and going through a lot really, in that like six years of being together and just stuff had happened that, you know, we just needed some space and some time away from each other.
00:03:08:04 - 00:03:46:17
And so, yeah, right now I'm still currently married to him. I'm living separately in my own home. We have everything else is completely separated. So I have my own money, my own bank account. I don't we don't really mix finances, but we do have like, you know, a phone bill together and but we just pay him separately. And so that's been nice because aside from the first maybe six months of our separation, which was really rocky, we've been able to kind of come together and really work together a lot through, you know, financial stuff.
00:03:46:17 - 00:04:16:24
And we also have dogs together and children. So I have developed a really close relationship with our kiddo and I really want to be present and still be around for them. So it's been a huge transition and shift in our relationship. So we've moved from a space of being romantic and married to more of a co-parenting friendship base, which is honestly working out really well for us.
00:04:17:01 - 00:04:50:10
But the beginning stages were definitely hard just coming to that realization that we were in toxic patterns together. And for me to and him as well as, you know, not very healthy for our kiddo that was living in the house and that ultimately it really, truly made my decision. I knew that I didn't want to continue this type of toxic behavior that I definitely I think is generational.
00:04:50:10 - 00:05:14:12
And I have you know, we both had had inherited from our families and I'm actually really proud of him. I'm his he's been on his own healing journey and I've been on mine. And we've been able to, like, support each other, you know, with boundaries through that. So, yeah, I feel like it was very queer. He has another partner now and I did have another partner.
00:05:14:12 - 00:05:40:17
We were poly also when the marriage ended. So I think that definitely puts a, a very queer, a very nontraditional way and spin on divorce too, which is unique. I feel like a lot of people are very interested to our relationship when I tell them like, Oh, actually I'm still married, but you know, we we've shifted and we're friends and it's just it's just different, you know?
00:05:40:17 - 00:06:21:18
So right now I'm just I'm enjoying being on my own and fully single. I'm living kind of a more solo poly life, but honestly, really focusing on my own healing after a couple of, you know, relationships and that have brought some awareness to some things that I want to work on within myself. So do you think as you're talking about the separation, you know, you're still married and I thank you for explaining that, because I think that when you talk to the about the Queer Divorce Club, it's really queer relationships are necessarily traditional, and divorce means a lot of things, legally divorce or separated.
00:06:21:18 - 00:06:50:09
Or maybe you've been in a long term marriage, but you never got married. You know, all of those things can lead up to that. I'm curious, though, when you started setting those boundaries with him and putting those in place, do you feel like that gave you a better chance to become healthy? You know, when did you start switching to I need to heal and grieve and, you know, move into this space, even though you never got divorced and you're thinking about that process for sure.
00:06:50:11 - 00:07:29:14
I think that it was crucial to spend some time apart because we both were so activated. And I think for both of us, we both have kind of different ways of expressing it, but we both have some abandonment wounding that was really activated and that was really hard because we were fighting. We couldn't be around each other. So having to take that space, I moved out and lived with some friends for a little while and now I'm renting a space on my own and that was crucial.
00:07:29:15 - 00:07:58:23
I really put down those boundaries of like really minimizing our conversation, keeping it strictly to about either our pets or the kid, and really sticking to that and giving myself the space to grieve and come out of this relationship because it was it was a lot of grieving and there's a lot of new for me and being on my own.
00:07:58:23 - 00:08:23:04
And it was scary and it was sad. And I had a lot of emotions. And on top of that, I also had another partner that was helpful sometimes for support, but also hard because, you know, here you're grieving another relationship and being in a relationship. And you know what that's like, too. So, yeah, it's a very unique experience.
00:08:23:04 - 00:08:53:01
Right? And I'm I was very lucky. My partner at the time was very sweet and supportive and was able to hear me. And I didn't feel like I needed to hide, hide my grieving. But I know that can be complicated for some people, especially in poly relationships. So yeah, it was it was taken some time, I want to say is probably took us about 6 to 8 months to really start coming back into each other's lives.
00:08:53:01 - 00:09:23:00
And I feel like this year it's just like calm down so much now that we're able to have a mutually reciprocal relationship that is somewhat friendships, even though I still have my boundaries with him. And yeah, so I feel like that that change and that separation for a little while was really healthy and something that I definitely needed to take.
00:09:23:02 - 00:09:46:08
Even if you want to have a relationship with that person, I think when you're going through the hard, you know, you need that space to feel your feelings because when you guys are up in each other's business or trying to work things out, when things are so activated and that's when things happen or things get said that you can't take back.
00:09:46:11 - 00:10:10:15
So yeah, I feel like that was really good for us. And again, we did go through some hard. It was hard. It was hard. You know, once you have built this life and you know, you have kids and pets and you, you know that comfort of having a home and then you go out and you're by yourself, it's hard.
00:10:10:17 - 00:10:40:04
Yeah, I was definitely in this like just survival state, to be honest with you. I was just surviving the best I could for that first solid year, year and a half like it. I just feel now being two years coming up on two years of separation, like just now, and my starting to feel in my own energy and my own self and able to start like feeling like I can progress for it.
00:10:40:04 - 00:11:19:08
So does it take some time? You know, you have to give yourself that time to live, to just grieve and be with yourself and don't push yourself for that, you know, and feel like you can just jump back into your life because it's a major thing, you know? Yeah, it is. I empathize with this part of space and time because I think it took me almost around the same time for you to even be able to like, have a conversation with my ex that was not related to the kids or logistics or whatever because of all the triggers space.
00:11:19:10 - 00:11:40:11
You know, other times we would trigger each other and you know, the intensity of those first, especially the first 6 to 8 months, is so intense and complete uncoupling for everybody involved. Yeah, so hard, even if you're conscious about it, even if you both want it to work, it just emotions are high and you know, it's hard to let go, you know.
00:11:40:11 - 00:12:04:03
And I think for my ex, his he wanted to talk about things because that's more him. He is he definitely is ready way quicker than I am. I'm a slower processor and I think there was times where he actively wanted to talk about it and I wasn't ready. And I just had to be like, We are not talking about us.
00:12:04:03 - 00:12:26:00
We're keeping it. Really. I'm not ready for that. So I feel like now we've been able to like bring things up to each other about what happened in our relationship without like I'm not as activated anymore, So good for you. Setting those boundaries and getting your space. You need it. Nice work like you. It's difficult. I've been working on it.
00:12:26:00 - 00:12:47:10
I've been working on it. You know you have. You have. So speaking of working on it, what are your goals right now for your healing journey? So you're in this two year mark. You know, you're kind of in this more clear headspace. You know, what are your goals now moving forward? Yeah, I feel like a lot of healing stuff has just like come up this spring for me too.
00:12:47:10 - 00:13:40:14
I just got out of my relationship that I was in during, you know, the separation. So like being fully alone with myself and going through another breakup has just like shown me more things. And I just really want to be like, secure in myself. Like, I just want to get into a place where I feel confident and capable of just handling my shit, you know, just really in a place where, like, I trust myself and it's that is probably one of the hardest things for me because I just I recently got diagnosed with ADHD at 31, and I had been in my marriage for years undiagnosed, and it turns out my ex was also undiagnosed.
00:13:40:14 - 00:14:06:05
And the way that we managed our household and it was just it was very hard. We do it very differently. And if I didn't do it the way that he wanted to do it, then it was I mean, it was just kind of chaotic. So for me, I'm like really developing my own systems and being secure within myself.
00:14:06:05 - 00:14:11:21
And a lot of the healing I've been doing has been more.
00:14:11:23 - 00:14:52:15
I've been really into body work and breath-work and kind of healing my nervous system because going through that divorce really shakes your sense of security and safety honestly. And my body was so triggered and had such a hard time going through the hard with my breakup and my separation that I've been almost like in a free state for like the past year and a half, Like I'm just starting to come out of it.
00:14:52:17 - 00:15:16:16
But yeah, it's going to be a journey. I feel like this year I'm really going to focus in on that. I'm planning on not getting into any serious relationships at this time and just really devoting that time to caring for myself in the ways that are not always the easiest thing. How does how has embodiment and breath-work helped you feel more secure?
00:15:16:17 - 00:15:37:08
How did the how are those two connected? Because I know I mean, this is a new topic for me too, as I go through my healing, the more and more I hear from others is that embodiment is so important and so important. It's so important, and especially for queer folks, as you say, like getting to know yourself in a world that's not built for you as a queer person necessarily.
00:15:37:08 - 00:16:06:05
Yeah, it's important. So how do those two connect? How does embodiment and security and trust in yourself connect? Oh boy, I was so much so like all of the I kind of just break down a little bit of, you know, a little bit about our nervous systems and how our systems work. We interpret information in about 80% from our bodies and only 20% through our thinking brain.
00:16:06:07 - 00:16:34:23
So our autonomic nervous system, our ness, which has our vagal vagus nerve that does not go through our thinking brain, it goes all the way just through our body to cause a reaction. So like this, this system was meant to keep us safe, like it was, you know, back in the day. It was, you know, hiding away from predators or sensing danger.
00:16:34:23 - 00:17:15:19
And now, you know, in our modern world, it's more about our relational patterns and what feels safe to be around other people. And growing up queer, we automatically don't feel safe in a world that is still very homophobic, transphobic in a lot of ways, and we don't really fit in, and a lot of us didn't feel safe. And so what happens with that is when we go into that fight flight freeze response, our logic brain shuts off.
00:17:15:22 - 00:17:48:20
So our amygdala either goes into hyper arousal, which you end up being hyper aware of everything that's going on, or it goes into like a hypo arousal where you disassociate state or just completely like you go into your spaceship and you check out. So bodywork breath-work somatic healing, that is just a pathway. It's a bottom up approach instead of a top down approach.
00:17:48:20 - 00:18:20:02
So top down approaches are going to be like your talk therapy, your CBT, anything that you're going to do probably in a therapist's office where bottom up approaches are using the body and helping regulate the nervous system in a place where you're amygdala can calm down and you can actually step out of a survival state into more of a logical, more calm based thinking.
00:18:20:04 - 00:18:53:03
So a lot of queer people, when they go to therapy, it can be helpful. But for a lot of people that deal with trauma and queer people just existing in especially the United States in this time to, you know, we're traumatized and we're scared and our bodies feel that and our bodies react to that. So a lot of queer people, a lot of queer people I know have massive anxiety.
00:18:53:05 - 00:19:28:18
And that's because our bodies so learning Breath-work is a somatic practice somatic, as in shaking, dancing, so many things that we were naturally do or animals in the wild would naturally do to just like dispel stress we don't do because we've been conditioned not to do it. So somatic has allowed for you like practicing, like I like to shake and it really does.
00:19:28:18 - 00:19:51:24
It helps. Like the vibration or dancing is really great too. If shaking feels weird for you because animals in the wild, if they get scared or they are in a scary situation or are being attacked by a predator, you'll see them. They'll just tremble. And people do that too. But a lot of people will stop themselves from do it.
00:19:51:24 - 00:20:23:10
Crying is also a way of releasing that stress and bringing our vagal tone down. So using these practices and I'm a very nervous person, like I struggle with anxiety, I struggle with hyper arousal, like I am aware of body changes in like tone changes and body language like subtle shifts that I other people don't get. And I know you're like this.
00:20:23:10 - 00:21:13:08
Do we need to because of our trauma, because of our childhood, because of the stuff that we went through, Like we're just hyper tuned to that, that, that stress and those changes because our body, our autonomic nervous system is trying to keep us safe. And so we've been conditioned, especially queer people, if we've dealt with bullying. I mean, if you're out queer, young, a lot of trans women and gay men, I feel like I experience a lot of violence and that will put you into that hyper aroused state because you're trying to keep yourself alive, you know, So doing these practices has helped me so much because I, for one, could not handle a lot of conflict without sobbing uncontrollably. You couldn't even understand me. It's helped me be able to communicate. Even though I'll still shake, I'll still crumble because my body just can't help it. But I'm actually able to do those things where before I, I would just avoid at all costs and to my detriment, like I wouldn't bring stuff up. When I had issues with people, I'd be afraid of a confrontation.
00:21:40:19 - 00:21:58:24
And I don't I just don't want to be that way anymore because it does hinder your connection with people. Yeah, yeah, I'm blown. My mind is being blown is blown right now about 8020. Like everything you're explaining makes so much sense to me. And as I'm learning about embodiment and breath-work and, you know, getting to know my body through, you know, all the work I've been doing, it makes sense.
00:21:58:24 - 00:22:23:03
I've needed both talk therapy and body work, and I'm just now starting to build up those practices. So hearing, hearing that and thinking about myself as my body is kind of mind blowing. I don't, I don't know if it's. Yeah, yeah, it's frustrating. Yeah, it's frustrating that I'm just finding this out. For the record, I just think honestly, a lot of people are.
00:22:23:06 - 00:22:50:08
Yeah, you know what I mean? This is pretty. It's still pretty new to me, but it's my hyper fixation, So I am I. And I love it like I really do. That's where I see myself. Like I'm in the beauty industry right now. And I love that too. But I see myself working, coaching people and teaching them these practices because it's slowly shifting my life in the way that I show up.
00:22:50:10 - 00:23:27:05
And now the knowledge that I have about how much lives in the body, how much are traumas stored in the body, and how that causes a lot of disease in our bodies because we haven't been able to move those emotions through. And I, I just think it's so important for people to know about this and especially queer people, because we deal with trauma that is really, really affects our safety.
00:23:27:07 - 00:23:58:05
And I know there's a lot of issues with suicide as well in the queer community, and I really just want people to have these tools and be able to come from a place where they can think clearly and be able to respond in a way that isn't just part of survival and be able to connect with people because it does hinder your connection.
00:23:58:05 - 00:24:30:12
Like when you don't feel safe when you're in that fight with freeze response, you know, you can't connect with people. And that's, you know, that's so important. You know, in our health and wellbeing. And I just know queer people struggle with that so much more even than the rest of society because we've had to deal with so much and so much otherness, you know, not feeling like we belong and feeling like an outsider.
00:24:30:14 - 00:25:05:21
But in some ways I do think that we do have a gift with that because I think queer people end up being a lot more self aware and a little bit more open to being enlightened and being able to do these practices and realize the same work. And so, yeah, yeah, any way we can find I know for me finding those opportunity for connection and love that you're saying that being able to be embodied and be present in the moment and to be in spaces with people, you know, allows you to have connection.
00:25:05:21 - 00:25:42:07
It's important to have that so you can connect with those individuals in the space. And it's not that you're not having authentic connections if you're not feeling in body, but if you're disassociating, you may not be connecting, or if you're hyper vigilant, you're not connecting with people in the space. Right, Right. Because you're so aware of like the little things going on all over the place that, yeah, you can't be fully present because your nervous system is looking for danger and or, you know, I mean, it's hard to keep focus when you're, you're anxious or, or you're disassociated, you know.
00:25:42:09 - 00:26:10:24
Yeah. And I think, you know, I'm thinking about this connected connection to divorce or transitioning a relationship is it's important on the outside of that to have connections that are healthy for you and doing the healing space, whether you were in a marriage that wasn't, you know, not necessarily toxic but didn't fit you or whoever the relationship ended, if it was traumatic or not traumatic, no matter what that transition, you need to heal from that transition.
00:26:10:24 - 00:26:49:13
Right. And doing the body work will give you the space. One of the tools you can use to take the space you need to find new connections that are healthier, that are good for you, that will help you grow. We all need those as we move into this new phases of our lives. Right. And then I'm not you know, I don't want to jump into another relationship again and, you know, not feel in my body and like making decisions that are good for me or I, you know, I'm just grabbing on to this person for comfort and safety again, because it's so easy to do.
00:26:49:13 - 00:27:19:03
And I do feel like my relationship after my separation was nice and comfortable and felt good and safe because they were an amazing person. And but I was also not really tapped in to what I needed. I was just so. And I know for me, like I struggle with some codependency stuff. So it's so easy for me to like, lose myself in a relationship.
00:27:19:05 - 00:27:50:19
So it was so easy to just jump into comfort with this other partner. And I was unhappy because I really wasn't taking care of myself in the way that I needed to because I was so focused on their needs, you know? And that was, I think, part of my nervous system not being regulated too. Like I was nervous and I was scared that, you know, if I didn't take care of this person's needs all the time, that I was going to lose them.
00:27:50:19 - 00:28:19:09
And you know what happens anyway? So whether you take care of them or not, right. Yeah, well, codependency doesn't fix the problem. It is. No, it's not. You're sure you know, talking about codependency on our list, but you and I have I think we connect on the two things hyper vigilance and codependency. I mean, a lot of other things do very similar.
00:28:19:11 - 00:28:47:13
But one of the things that I've really started to what my growing my growth did not really start until I realized that I was codependent. And I thought the actual definition of codependency was and what that meant for what I was doing for every single relationship in my life. And it's a wild how I didn't realize that that was woven into every aspect of my life my kids, my friendships, my relationships, my parents, my ex, every single one.
00:28:47:13 - 00:29:13:03
I had the stress of making sure everybody else was okay before myself. And I just yeah. And people pleasing before they even asked for it. Like they don't even then even want it right. Or even some people don't even deserve it, you know, like, that's a good one, you know, not everybody deserves that type of mentality from, you know, and some people do.
00:29:13:04 - 00:29:33:12
That's okay. You know, the people that you truly care for. But now when you're trying to manage everybody else's emotions and how they feel like it's just a losing game because you can't. Yes, exactly. And then you're stressed. You know, you're stressed out trying to navigate all of that, not honoring yourself and what you need in that moment.
00:29:33:13 - 00:30:07:18
So. Right, exactly. I think the definition of codependency that threw me for a loop was the first time somebody said codependency is when you don't allow others to experience the accountability of their own actions. So like trying to get ahead of them so that they don't feel like they made a mistake so that they, you know, in my case, my ex husband would say something to somebody and I'd be like trying to get ahead of make sure, oh, he didn't mean that, you know, like that sort of stuff at the little side and the kind of like, yeah, like you fixing it for me and excuses.
00:30:07:18 - 00:30:49:04
Yeah. Ahead of time or for my kids, you know, not letting them get hurt without scaffolding and things for them. You know, we've come a long way in that department, but yeah, codependency, man. Yeah, man. You know. It is a wild journey, but yeah, like not being okay if they're not okay, like they're not okay, then you're distressed and I do think in my last relationship, because it was a lot healthier than, you know, parts of my marriage, we were able to I was able to kind of put those boundaries down and say no to things.
00:30:49:04 - 00:31:11:18
And I was that was a good practice for me. But man is hard. It's hard not to take an energy and fix it. And that was I'm notorious for doing like somebody comes in disregulated and in a mood and, you know, even though it might, it's not even about me, you know, I mean, it might be just something they're dealing with at work or whatever.
00:31:11:20 - 00:31:33:21
I'm so affected by it because I'm so hyper vigilant. And that was part of my trauma growing up, is I had my stepdad was he would just be an angry person and like, throw that anger around and you'd have to walk on eggshells. So it just puts me in that state of like, fix it, fix it, and learning that it's not about me.
00:31:34:01 - 00:32:06:04
And people are allowed to have their moods and their emotions. And I'm going to let people come to me if they have an issue and not feel like I have to guess and interpret their but I just don't interpret their body language anymore, it's still hard and still, you know, I still have to tell myself, like, if this is about you, they have the responsibility of coming to you and telling you and you people are allowed to have their emotions and and feel things and go through that, you know.
00:32:06:06 - 00:32:26:07
So, yeah, it's a huge learning experience. Yeah. Do you think the combination of so doing the body work, you know, understanding mindfulness, being present with your own body, understanding how you feel in it, and then practicing that over time helps you connect those two, right? My chest is feeling tight right now. My you know, something about my arms is not feeling right.
00:32:26:07 - 00:32:48:22
My shoulders are feeling tense. That means that something is coming at you in the space and that gives you a chance to pay attention to it more before you get to the anxiety swirl. That's what I do. Anxiety sort of like my world. I get things like, Yeah, they're wild. They are. Yeah, they are wild. Yeah, it's honestly, Yes, somatic.
00:32:48:22 - 00:33:32:01
So I did an embodiment series with a group up here in Grand Rapids and kind of tapped into each emotion and where you feel that in your body and that has been so helpful because I am very stuck in my brain a lot. And for me, I disassociate from my body pretty easily. And so having that awareness of, okay, like thinking of a certain emotion that you're feeling and really feeling it where you feel it in your body, like sometimes it's your stomach, sometimes it's your chest, sometimes it's your throat, your shoulders, your back.
00:33:32:01 - 00:34:11:10
Like knowing that and being in tune with that helps bring awareness. When you're feeling those bodily sensations, you're like, Oh, I'm, I'm feeling some fear, I'm feeling anxiety, you know, and kind of naming it. And then you can start to kind of tap in, okay, why do I feel this way and start to ask yourself those questions And really listening to these really, our bodies are so smart, they're so intelligent, and we have discredit them for so long and their intelligence and how they affect us because we pick up on those subtle cues that don't even hit our thinking brain.
00:34:11:10 - 00:34:58:15
Like it just goes right into something so primal. And I think having that mindfulness and awareness is so helpful and it also helps when you are encountering like a partner or somebody else in your life that is struggling with hard emotions. I feel like kind of name when you're having those moments and that that just allows you to communicate so much better, like I did have a moment with my partner, my last partner that we they were having a really hard day and struggles with work and they came in and kind of a rough mood.
00:34:58:16 - 00:35:30:05
And I was very triggered by it. And I was able to like after I've been practicing some of my environment stuff, I was able to be like, I know this isn't about me, but your mood is making like I'm feeling a lot of anxiety because of it and I'm able to like, figure out like certain emotions too. I'm like what I need to do to, like, move that energy through, like go for a walk, you know, get out into nature.
00:35:30:05 - 00:35:53:06
Like, go do some breathing, like something to help lower that in and repeat to myself that this is not mine, that this is this other person, this energy, this is something they're going through. It has nothing to do with me. And just like reminding myself that through some of those practices, too. So you're kind of bringing that the brain and the body together.
00:35:53:08 - 00:36:13:09
And I think that ends up being the most effective, surely. And if it's so loud that you're doing both. MM Yeah. And if you're in a healthy, the other person should be saying, you know, whether it's a friend or family or a partner should be saying, I do not want to trigger you. And this is what, you know, reassuring you in those moments is so important.
00:36:13:11 - 00:36:48:21
And that's. Yeah. And then being aware enough to know like, oh, you know, once you voice that and once you get to know that person on a level and you kind of know their trauma and know what their triggers are like, you know then you find ways to navigate that, right. Like, okay, it's cool. Like, I understand you're in a mood or in you need to do this thing either sometimes either giving me a heads up so I can, you know, go do something if I want to, or even them taking some space and going for a walk or dispelling their mood.
00:36:48:21 - 00:37:14:18
So that they're not bringing that energy on to you is just like a really that's like the good codependency, right? Yeah. Yeah. That cohabitation, that's good partnership where, you know, you're not always responsible for others energy and but when you come in and you're in a mood and you're struggling, it's important not to have that self-awareness, not to put those other people that are closest to you and that move you so much.
00:37:14:20 - 00:37:43:23
And yes, it's good to have that awareness and be able to problem solve together and be able to figure out a solution or ways to help, you know, make everybody feel good. Mm hmm. Let's watch just a little bit. But talking about another type of embodiment. So one of the things actually this weekend, we met a woman when we were camping for Memorial Day weekend, who is queer and recently divorced randomly.
00:37:44:04 - 00:38:03:11
I met her. And that's like, you're one of the people we met this weekend. I know I collect. I'm collecting them wherever I go. But she was talking a lot about style and what it means to, like, look queer enough. Feel gay enough. I know that Carlie and I have both been through those journeys, and I know that there's a lot of queer people.
00:38:03:11 - 00:38:23:22
Maybe they're trans or just coming out or whatever, where finding your style, finding your haircut, your makeup, what you look like, what you want to wear is a really important part of embodiment that lets you figure out who you are. And I know that's the physical side and there's a lot of crap around beauty standards and all these are the things.
00:38:23:22 - 00:38:48:22
But I know for many queer people, finding what you look like is so important. You know what you look like physically and how you're presenting yourself to the world is so important. And one of the things that you do wonderfully is help people feel like themselves. I think it's amazing. I've seen it happen in giving, you know, the way you cut somebody's hair, the way you put makeup on them, you know, just giving them the space and the opportunity to feel like themselves.
00:38:48:24 - 00:39:10:23
Why do you think that's so important and why has it become so important to you as a stylist? Yeah. Yeah, I that's a good question. I, I struggled a lot, actually, being in the beauty industry. I've been in the beauty industry for about 12 years. I started going to school for art and didn't know what I was going to do with that.
00:39:10:23 - 00:39:47:01
So I had been cutting my friend's hair and doing makeup and styling for dances and stuff. And so they always suggested to go into cosmetology. So I did. And it's been it's been an interesting journey through this because I started going to school in the early 2000 beauty standards have been wild and, you know, the nineties and early 2000 and I am a plus size woman like I've always been curvy, so I've never really fit the mold anyway.
00:39:47:01 - 00:40:17:01
And then on top of really starting to own my queerness and my mid twenties, like I always felt a little bit like an outsider in this community, even though it is about expression. Right? And I believe it's changing so much now, which I am so, so thankful for. Are you seeing way more influences from queer people in our media and plus size people and how they express themselves?
00:40:17:01 - 00:40:46:00
So for me it's been a shifting of the narrative, right? Where you can use, you can use hair, you can use makeup, you can use style to mask yourself in height, but you can also use it as an expression of self, right? So we're not we don't choose the body we were born into. We just we have this body, but we have this beautiful artistic expression in our inner world.
00:40:46:00 - 00:41:08:23
And I love makeup and hair for that fact that you can you can really express who you are on the outside because you have control of those things, right? You have control of your style. You have control If you want to put tattoos or piercings on your body of control over whether you do or do not want to wear makeup or how you style your hair.
00:41:09:00 - 00:41:44:04
So I think owning your body, especially for queer people to like, again, you're not you don't choose this body and but you do. You are able to choose how you decorate it right how you express yourself and how you get to show yourself to the world. And it hasn't always been the safest place. But I do think now it's so weird with how our country is and all the all the bills and things going through and being passed and how it's really scary to be gay.
00:41:44:04 - 00:42:09:09
But also we're at a time where it's so liberated in our media and like, even like our celebrities and we're just seeing so much more of it now. And it makes me really, really happy because queer makeup is so fun. You get to break all the rules, right? Like there is no rules. You don't have to conform to a certain beauty standard.
00:42:09:09 - 00:42:49:00
You're just here to express yourself. And in whatever way feels good to you. So I did do an event with a whole bunch of queer and non-binary people. It was a clothing swap, but I got to do some makeup lessons and I was helping some non-binary and trans people like step one beards themselves so that they, like, felt more in their skin and or I helped some trans women help them, you know, feminize their face and that for them feels really good and that feels like their expression.
00:42:49:02 - 00:43:10:21
And then you have the fun. You know, for me, I, I like to be a little funky, a little artistic, Like, I'll just draw dots and swirls and stuff all over my face like nothing that is meant to necessarily make me look a certain way or present in a certain beauty standard. But it's just expression. It's just color versus art.
00:43:10:23 - 00:43:39:01
So yeah, I love teaching. I love really connecting with other queer people about that. And like helping them, teaching them how to use the products and kind of allowing them and give them that space. Like, listen, you don't have to make yourself look any certain type of way. You know, this is for you, you know, and what do you want to look every day, what you want to express, Right.
00:43:39:02 - 00:44:01:17
And yeah, doing that with style and color and hair color and, you know, that's like that's fun, you know, And same thing with tattoos. Like, I love I love decorating my body. I'm an artist. So, like, I want my funky earrings. I want my colorful hair. I want my weird avant garde makeup and my tattoos, you know, and that my it's so different from person to person.
00:44:01:17 - 00:44:34:12
And yeah, I just like to celebrate that in any way, you know, whether I'm making more masculine or feminine or something completely out of the box, you know. Yeah. And be able to express yourself physically, outwardly is, you know, often a point of, you know, bravery for a queer person. But then, like you're saying, it's becoming more accepted in the more you do it, the more you're connected with others in the same space gives you another opportunity for connection and for, you know, embodying and being feeling good about being in the body that you were born with.
00:44:34:14 - 00:45:05:03
Right. Truly being able to embrace your authentic self, you know, using that by expressing yourself through makeup, through clothing, through whatever I think is so important because, you know, I feel the best when I am in my skin and I am wearing, you know, stuff that truly makes me feel like me. I notice the difference in my confidence in the way that I approach other people even.
00:45:05:05 - 00:45:32:02
And I realize that not everybody has that safety. So I do sympathize with certain queer people that that don't. And I also am willing and open to helping people. You know, some trans people like to pass and find ways of doing that so that they feel more safe and secure. And as hard as that is sometimes to hear, it's a reality of our society, too.
00:45:32:02 - 00:46:09:19
Sometimes. So I think makeup can be beautiful. It's just an art. And I just want people to feel good and feel safe and secure and at home in their bodies. Hmm. So important. Like at home in your body. So if I am just starting the journey out to feel more at home in my body, to try how, you know, embodiment, to try out mindfulness that includes my body, what are some things that I should do on a regular basis or a couple of things I could start trying out.
00:46:09:21 - 00:46:35:08
So I really like if you're really trying to come into your body, I think one of the first things I do is kind of just like a stop and like body scan myself. So when I'm doing that at first is pretty much like just noticing, like, so I close my eyes and I just kind of notice my breath and I don't try to change it.
00:46:35:08 - 00:46:57:20
I'm just going to start noticing it. Sometimes I like to lay down for this as well, but you don't have to, and then you just start bringing some awareness to your body. I, I like to have my feet on the ground planted and noticing your feet. I mean, it's just something as simple as like starting either from the top down or from your feet up, whatever.
00:46:57:20 - 00:47:20:13
Whatever works for you. And just, like, be like, okay, I'm going to notice my toes, my feet, and even some of the sounds and textures and stuff that I'm touching and that's around me that will really start to get you in your body. And I believe that doing a little bit of breath work kind of puts you in.
00:47:20:18 - 00:47:53:21
Like if you are stressed out and it's hard to do that, right? So there's actually a type of breath called a physiological sigh. And this is great for people that are actually going through active divorce or really stressed out. So this kind of puts me in that place. I guess this would probably be my first step, but a physiological sigh is where you take an inhale through your nose and then you do another inhale to fully fill your lungs, and then you're going to do a nice long extended exhale.
00:47:53:23 - 00:48:19:17
And if you do about two or three of these, it brings down your stress levels like significantly like to a place where you are just you're here, you know, And we try that together a little bit. Yeah. Okay. Let's bring a couple of sighs. Yes. Okay. So I like to do two inhales through the nose. So the first inhale is going to be a little bit bigger and then you're going to do like a short to really fill up the rest of your lungs.
00:48:19:17 - 00:48:39:01
So I feel like it's kind of filling up your kind of abdomen and then that second one that fills up your chest space. So it kind of like pulls that that breath up here and then the exhale is just going to be I just say try to just like let your collarbone and your chest just kind of deflate and just let it slowly drop.
00:48:39:03 - 00:49:33:12
Okay. So you're going to get you ready? Yep, I'm ready. Okay. So do a nice inhale the second we like that. Yes. So even after one, you feel it, right? So a couple more. So let's do a few. It does loosen that one more. Oh, shake it out. It does. That does feel so good. So would you do that?
00:49:33:12 - 00:49:52:19
So in a moment where you're like either super stress or your seeds and they happen in your body, you're feeling it, or maybe you're disassociated and realized. Taking that a few steps to breathe is great idea breathing. And I totally recommend that for literally everybody. If you could just take it doesn't take you don't have to do a full breath work.
00:49:52:19 - 00:50:21:09
You don't have to do, you know, a giant, you know, sequence of breath work or anything. It literally takes like three of those physiological size to really bring your nervous system down and get you kind of present in your body. So yeah, I love those. They are actually. It's something that we naturally do. And you'll actually catch kids doing that a lot, like when they're really upset and they're crying, they'll do this.
00:50:21:11 - 00:50:45:17
And that's a physiological side. That's something that we naturally do. But because of our stress and everything going on and actually I read something that was really interesting is we'll naturally do it when we're in like a relaxed state or like reading a book or something. But technology, for whatever reason, stops us from doing that so we don't get decreased the stress.
00:50:45:17 - 00:51:06:22
So if we're on our phones or computer a lot, it's really good to like take maybe a breathing break and just do a couple of those because that helps like bring your system back down into a calmer state or so. That's been super helpful for me. If I don't have the space to do like full breath work.
00:51:06:24 - 00:51:38:07
But you can also do things like if you're really stressed out, cold therapy works, getting you in your body really quickly. So if you're dealing with like a panic attack, which happens, I had a lot of panic attacks actually during my preparation. It was hard. But you can do something as simple as fill a bucket that you can fit your face in with ice water, like throw some ice in there, some cold water, and just stick your face in it for as long as you can stand it and then come back up.
00:51:38:07 - 00:52:04:10
And that will really pull you right into your body and it usually will pull you out of panic attacks. MM Okay. So doing body checks regularly, give yourself a chance to feel your body, you know, understand where it's doing the what do you call the, the breathing you just the physiological, psychological side. Okay. Yeah. Mm. Okay. But any type of any type of breath is good.
00:52:04:12 - 00:52:28:21
If you want to decrease your anxiety, always extend the exhale longer than inhale. Yes. Because that brings your heart rate down. Okay. And then ice bath or something else, I could shock you out of moments of anxiety. Okay. What about dance parties? I like to do as you know, that's the fun part, right? This is your body and the expression part.
00:52:28:23 - 00:53:00:09
And I feel like once you get yourself out of those, like, crazy, hyper aroused states, I love dance parties. Do. And dancing is totally embodiment. Like you are in your body. You're moving your body, you're moving even that motion. And in moving your body that much is moving emotion through your body. So that's why I feel like some people just I mean, dances emotional for them, too.
00:53:00:10 - 00:53:27:01
You know, you'll catch people I've gone to a couple of static dance like groups and stuff and people get emotional and I'm moving some of that stuff through their body. But yeah, it's pure expression and it's shaking your body. So it's, it's at the same time of expressing yourself and having fun and really enjoying the music. You're also shaking and moving your body and emotions get stored in the body.
00:53:27:01 - 00:53:55:09
And the only way to do that is some type of movement practice. So I mean, even going to the gym is great. Like a lot of people get like really into those like endorphins and, and know it's good for their mental health to have some type of movement practice. And it really is it's important to move your body in whatever way feels good, you know, whether it's a dance party or going to lift weights or yoga or whatever, you know, find something that resonates and use it.
00:53:55:11 - 00:54:16:04
Because once you move that stuff through, you're going to be able to be in a better mental space. And because your body is a lot more regulated from that movement. Yeah, yeah. This is such great advice and making a list of all the things I need to do to get my 80%. Oh my gosh, 80% of the feeling is in your body and on your brain.
00:54:16:04 - 00:54:42:19
Oh, my gosh. Okay. Yeah. Yep. Through I think, thinking brain. Like any time our nervous system is disregulated goes right into like, ah, like lower like, like lizard but pretty much like our fully like primal brain, you know, I mean that sends us at our thinking brain, it completely bypasses that. Mm. So we don't really interpret a ton through that, that thinking, that logical part of our brain.
00:54:42:21 - 00:55:06:20
Mm hmm. Especially emotion. Oh it's true for me to take another breath there. Okay. Right. You got some tools now to who's to put this one on in Michigan? It's wild. I know. It's so hot. So I made my windows open. I was like, I need the A.C. and I don't want to shoot. Okay? I'm not sad about this.
00:55:06:20 - 00:55:29:22
I'm sorry that I said that, but like you. Yeah, I love you. But you've been on real hot this week all of a sudden. Okay. Anyways, anyways. Anyways. Okay. What her? There's. I want to leave the podcast with one last question. So what do you think is the most important thing for our listeners to keep in mind as they're going through divorce or rebuilding after a divorce?
00:55:29:24 - 00:56:25:14
You I think just knowing that the heart won't last forever because it's hard. It's such a shift and it really activates a lot of stuff in us and I think knowing that there are other people out there that want to support you to is really crucial to being able to heal from these and to be able to rebuild your life is knowing that the heart doesn't last forever and also seeking support while you're in it, you know, because even just whether that's a friend, whether that's family, whether an online community, just finding those people that have gone through similar experiences and that might be on the other side.
00:56:25:17 - 00:56:54:16
That's why I love that you're doing this podcast too. And just knowing that it will be okay. It will get better. But yeah, reach out for support. People want to help. You know, you're not a burden to anybody. I feel like for me, I struggled with feeling like going through my emotions and talking about and processing my emotions and stuff with other people and even you guys.
00:56:54:18 - 00:57:23:12
At times I felt like, oh my gosh, I need to stop talking about this. And most of the time, you know, as long as you're asking and making sure people have the space for it, like I know I like to help people and I like to be there and hold space for people and remind them of their worth and that this will get better So yeah, I think definitely find that support, find your communities and do people that you can really lean on because it's okay.
00:57:23:14 - 00:57:46:08
It's okay to have emotions to really be going through a rough spot, not being okay and doesn't mean you're a burden. You know, people want to help. Yeah, all the gamut of feelings and everything is natural and okay, let yourself feel those feelings. Give your body time. Yeah. The heart doesn't last forever. That's a no. And it is.
00:57:46:11 - 00:58:10:18
It's hard. At first you feel like, Oh, my God. I feel like for me, it was just like I lost a limb, you know? I felt like I my whole life have been just, like, ripped from me and I was missing something so big and feeling that emptiness when I first was going through the divorce or. Well, not divorce technically, but, you know, separation.
00:58:10:20 - 00:58:38:02
And now that I'm, you know, it's been it does take time. But, you know, here I am almost two years later and we have a great relationship. We are healthier than we've ever been. And you find a new normal and you find your people and then you just pour into those connections as well. And then you end up feeling richer than you had been before, you know?
00:58:38:06 - 00:59:03:17
So. So true. So true, So true, I think. Thank you so much, Candace, for sharing your experiences and your wisdom that you have. So glad that you've been on. And thank you so great for our listeners. I'm going to put it in the show notes, but if you want to see some of Candace's amazing work, check her out on Instagram.
00:59:03:19 - 00:59:22:12
Silly artistry, and I will put that in the show notes and on the website so that people can find you can find me. I'm finding the make up stuff or some somatic info holler. Thank you, Candace. Yeah, you.